where's the fight?

i think i'm going to die.

at least, that's what my brain has been telling me lately. everything feels wrong and messed up, so thoughts of cancers, disorders, and degeneracy keep rolling through my head, and if they don't kill me, my own brain just might.

to put a finer point on it: i'm really sick, and no one knows why.

symptoms: severe weight gain over a short period of time, inability to focus (i can't read or write or study), lethargy, sleeping for over 10 hours, a period that has lasted 3 months (yes, genuinely, and the flow is heavy), and the prescribed birth control to control said period interferes with my psychiatric medication, prompting the return of the ol' suicidal ideation.

i'm writing about it publicly because i feel like i owe an explanation to people: why i haven't been reading your fanfiction, which i dearly want to read, why i've been quiet in fandom, why i don't just check in and say 'hi.' it's not you. it's my uterus.

i have gone to the doctor (the last test was a uterus biopsy, one of the most painful experiences of my life), and though it's a relief that i don't have cancer, eliminating it has just left me with more questions. i see the doctor about it again this friday, but i'm not sure what options are left to figure out why the hell shit be like this.

to be honest, i'm not fully sure why i'm putting my personal life On Here, but i guess i'm afraid. i'm afraid that someone out there just thinks i'm a fraud and a flake, when in reality i'm physically incapable of doing the thing i most love to do. the thing that saves my life every day, when i do it. and i've been losing it for a while and i'm not sure how long i can do without it.

i'm sick. i think i was sick for a lot of 2018, too, though it was the mild run-up and i didn't notice it. i'm sick and i'm sorry that i promised things with my friendship that i couldn't deliver on. i'm sorry this has turned me into a flake. i'm sorry i let it get this far. i'm a fraud.

but i promise i cared.

so for the last three months i've been working on an original novel, meant to be part of a larger trilogy, and one i'm working at so that one day i can publish it and hope for a modicum of success. i like and will continue to write fanfiction but i've gotta make a dent in my student loans, guys. while writing fiction is never a cash cow, i am aiming for 'pays at least a few bills while i work at the bakery.'

which is why setbacks bruise so hard.

i've been working on this thing for three months and, while i had quite a few words, i wasn't feeling it. i thought all i had to do was work through the block and on the other side would be the next thing i needed to write, with my (exhaustive) outline as a guide.

turns out that in order to get a good story out of this i will have to keep the characters and universe, dump the premise out, and start over.

a friend of mine (who is literally a wise poet in real life, no hyperbole) said it was the marble i had to carve away to see the story i wanted to write, and that it was inspiring.

i wish writing felt inspiring. i wish any of this felt inspiring.

being in the middle of it, being alone with the work in a room, or feeling alone in a cafe or library full of people, is not inspiring. feeling like i just twisted my ankle and now i'm last in a race is not inspiring. feeling like i'll never finish anything and that i'll be in dead-end jobs forever isn't inspiring.

i just wish that it felt different. that i could celebrate it for what my friend rightly calls a part of the creative process. if i can follow through with this new vision, it will be much better than what i was writing before, and i know that on an intellectual, professional level. i'm trying to listen to the wisdom of other artists about the creative process.

but i think i'm going to have my arm in a sling for a couple of more days.

it's weird to start writing and suddenly there is not the story you thought you were going to write, but the story you're suddenly writing. eisenhower once said that 'plans are useless but planning is indispensable,' and that has to apply to writing because this is nothing like what i planned.

right now steve is going to spend most of his time with bucky in a robot body and i find that a lot more charming than the things i was going to previously do.

Anyway, here's the spotify soundtrack to it.

just an update on what i'm working on right now. it's a lot. it's a ridiculous amount. i do not know how i'm going to do any or all of this, but here it is.

fanfiction wip

MCU
The Magician (sequel to The Tower)
untitled TonyRhodey in the Tower universe
The Halo Around My Crowned Head
Outrun, cyberpunk AU

Detroit: Become Human
Your Weight on the Moon
untitled mammilaria/lex talionis sequel

original projects

gay noir mystery in a medieval fantasy setting; book series
regency-based fantasy novel with mages, also very gay; book series

so it's been a while since i've used a blogging platform so close to the livejournal format, but i'm eager to get to it. i miss this format a lot.

i'm slowly beginning to dip my toes back into the water on public social media. i've been relegated to a locked account on another platform to do most of my venting, but it hasn't led to a lot of interaction, or the ability to really write about what's going on with me, my interests, or hobbies.

after the last few fandom events i've gone into a sort of hibernation, but i want to make sure i'm in contact with my people, that i'm reading and writing fic, that i don't drop any more correspondences.

i will likely open this journal publicly soon after this post, so if anybody's looking for me from tumblr or twitter, hmu.