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An owed explanation
2019-02-06 03:07i think i'm going to die.
at least, that's what my brain has been telling me lately. everything feels wrong and messed up, so thoughts of cancers, disorders, and degeneracy keep rolling through my head, and if they don't kill me, my own brain just might.
to put a finer point on it: i'm really sick, and no one knows why.
symptoms: severe weight gain over a short period of time, inability to focus (i can't read or write or study), lethargy, sleeping for over 10 hours, a period that has lasted 3 months (yes, genuinely, and the flow is heavy), and the prescribed birth control to control said period interferes with my psychiatric medication, prompting the return of the ol' suicidal ideation.
i'm writing about it publicly because i feel like i owe an explanation to people: why i haven't been reading your fanfiction, which i dearly want to read, why i've been quiet in fandom, why i don't just check in and say 'hi.' it's not you. it's my uterus.
i have gone to the doctor (the last test was a uterus biopsy, one of the most painful experiences of my life), and though it's a relief that i don't have cancer, eliminating it has just left me with more questions. i see the doctor about it again this friday, but i'm not sure what options are left to figure out why the hell shit be like this.
to be honest, i'm not fully sure why i'm putting my personal life On Here, but i guess i'm afraid. i'm afraid that someone out there just thinks i'm a fraud and a flake, when in reality i'm physically incapable of doing the thing i most love to do. the thing that saves my life every day, when i do it. and i've been losing it for a while and i'm not sure how long i can do without it.
i'm sick. i think i was sick for a lot of 2018, too, though it was the mild run-up and i didn't notice it. i'm sick and i'm sorry that i promised things with my friendship that i couldn't deliver on. i'm sorry this has turned me into a flake. i'm sorry i let it get this far. i'm a fraud.
but i promise i cared.
at least, that's what my brain has been telling me lately. everything feels wrong and messed up, so thoughts of cancers, disorders, and degeneracy keep rolling through my head, and if they don't kill me, my own brain just might.
to put a finer point on it: i'm really sick, and no one knows why.
symptoms: severe weight gain over a short period of time, inability to focus (i can't read or write or study), lethargy, sleeping for over 10 hours, a period that has lasted 3 months (yes, genuinely, and the flow is heavy), and the prescribed birth control to control said period interferes with my psychiatric medication, prompting the return of the ol' suicidal ideation.
i'm writing about it publicly because i feel like i owe an explanation to people: why i haven't been reading your fanfiction, which i dearly want to read, why i've been quiet in fandom, why i don't just check in and say 'hi.' it's not you. it's my uterus.
i have gone to the doctor (the last test was a uterus biopsy, one of the most painful experiences of my life), and though it's a relief that i don't have cancer, eliminating it has just left me with more questions. i see the doctor about it again this friday, but i'm not sure what options are left to figure out why the hell shit be like this.
to be honest, i'm not fully sure why i'm putting my personal life On Here, but i guess i'm afraid. i'm afraid that someone out there just thinks i'm a fraud and a flake, when in reality i'm physically incapable of doing the thing i most love to do. the thing that saves my life every day, when i do it. and i've been losing it for a while and i'm not sure how long i can do without it.
i'm sick. i think i was sick for a lot of 2018, too, though it was the mild run-up and i didn't notice it. i'm sick and i'm sorry that i promised things with my friendship that i couldn't deliver on. i'm sorry this has turned me into a flake. i'm sorry i let it get this far. i'm a fraud.
but i promise i cared.
