hacking at the marble

so for the last three months i've been working on an original novel, meant to be part of a larger trilogy, and one i'm working at so that one day i can publish it and hope for a modicum of success. i like and will continue to write fanfiction but i've gotta make a dent in my student loans, guys. while writing fiction is never a cash cow, i am aiming for 'pays at least a few bills while i work at the bakery.'

which is why setbacks bruise so hard.

i've been working on this thing for three months and, while i had quite a few words, i wasn't feeling it. i thought all i had to do was work through the block and on the other side would be the next thing i needed to write, with my (exhaustive) outline as a guide.

turns out that in order to get a good story out of this i will have to keep the characters and universe, dump the premise out, and start over.

a friend of mine (who is literally a wise poet in real life, no hyperbole) said it was the marble i had to carve away to see the story i wanted to write, and that it was inspiring.

i wish writing felt inspiring. i wish any of this felt inspiring.

being in the middle of it, being alone with the work in a room, or feeling alone in a cafe or library full of people, is not inspiring. feeling like i just twisted my ankle and now i'm last in a race is not inspiring. feeling like i'll never finish anything and that i'll be in dead-end jobs forever isn't inspiring.

i just wish that it felt different. that i could celebrate it for what my friend rightly calls a part of the creative process. if i can follow through with this new vision, it will be much better than what i was writing before, and i know that on an intellectual, professional level. i'm trying to listen to the wisdom of other artists about the creative process.

but i think i'm going to have my arm in a sling for a couple of more days.